I love to sing, but its as if there is no song in my heart. Like i am being prepared for something, so big, bigger than i dreamed. Its like i keep trying to sing, but there is no joy, its just a noise. But there is joy.. Tons of joy. I met someone, His love meets no end. It never fails, solid as iron. Still i fall, I feel weak, as if i can not stand, not next to him. As if im not allowed. Like i keep trying and fall into this river, and i flail my arms, trying to breathe, trying to taste him. But i cant. There seems to be a residue, something weighing me down.
::Confirmation:: May 28, 2009
something inside me is about to explode..today when i walked into storm, i was a bit stressed, i was running late, didnt help with anything, literally just walked right into prayer..its ok, im not upset about it or anything..when i left prayer and walked into the sanctuary i wanted to ball my eyes out..i have no idea and this is definetly out of my character to just feel this urge..it was like there was something in my heart that wanted to come out but not for me, like i wanted to curl up in a ball and sob, for someone else..i dont really know how to describe it..i have been having these dreams about weird things too..im not sure whats happening..im not scared just unsure sometimes what they mean..i have something birthing inside my heart..its big, real big..im waiting for a confirmation..i cant wait to blog about it..im ready to move forward, ready for God to do something big..i need this confirmation..for once in my life i just may have direction..BRING IT GOD!!!! wow this is really short…its after 3…PO!!
::Stimulant:: May 13, 2009
I was “diagnosed” with ADHD in 2005..it took me a really really long time to decide to take any medication for this, but i learned this would help me in many different aspects of my life, at the time school and work..i started with a non stimulant ((a stimulant is like smoking week everyday))..i felt comfortable with a non stimulant..i tried 2 different non stimulant pills that literally made me sick to my stomach everyday…so at that point the only other option was a stimulant..so i started taking it..i took it for 3 years..i just stopped taking it in January 2009.. STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS!!!! ha ha
no im not kidding..this drug did something to my life i cant explain..the time went by so fast..lets just say i was a psycho..there was really no time for even the thought of lazy..i literally went non stop for so long..i was slightly more focused than i am now, and little more all there but it did nothing for my life except mess up my emotions and all the relationships i had..there was one point and it lasted a while where the only way you would see me is if we were cleaning something or doing something…i had no time for anything..it made me obsessive compulsive with so many things..i couldnt sleep and i didnt eat…sometimes not for days..which doesnt seem likely cuz i am a very proud thick chick, but really i didnt..i would go get food and unless i ate it right away i didnt even bother..i became dependent on this drug..when the docotors told me that one day i would have to stop taking the pill..i cried..i eventually just stopped taking it..my life changed..i am happy, i laugh a lot..i want to go out and not have a mop or gloves with me..i want to see people and get those people back in my life…so im really excited about the new things that are happening in my life with out the drugs….so for real DRUGS ARE FOR BUGS!!!
::Keep Moving:: May 12, 2009
im about to really just let it all out…
my entire life i have made mistakes..never once have i ever cared about anyones feelings or the consequesnces of my actions..i run..untouchable..im not ashamed of who i am or how i have come to be..i broke…everything broke that day..you have no idea..that one day changed my entire life…i didnt know what to do..my feet would not let me run…anytime i tried to i couldnt move..we got through it..i was so afraid..afraid you couldnt love me the rest of my life..still afraid..no one has ever..everyone has left or walked away or i pushed and ran..whatever it doesnt matter they arent here..you shattered my heart and picked it up slowly and in ways i sometimes couldnt see.and you still loved me..i have learned so much..gained so much..most of all have or had the best friend in the entire world..i told you it wasnt supposed to be the way it was..i hope you know i meant that with every fiber of my being..i cant change whats been done, i wish with all my heart i could change how it was done…i never wanted to hurt you…never and i never do..i cant say or do anything to make it better, i cant fix it, i cant do anything..its killing me..i cant do anything but tell you i am so so sorry..i pray you dont give up and push me out..i know thats what you do to everyone else..please not me..i dont care how this goes, just not that..truthfully id rather die..this will be the biggest test of my life cuz i just let go of every dream i have ever had.. for once in my life i am not running..im not scared of what will come but how..this is a test of faith..the biggest test of faith ever….im giving it all to God..if i dont let go nothing good will ever come from this for my life..i am done holding myself back in every aspect..so done..i have been having dreams kinda weird..i really should write them down..people keep telling me to and i havent yet..i have been spending alot of time in the Word of God..sometimes like 2 hours or more..its becoming intense, sometimes i still dont get it..all these crazy names and places i cant pronounce…that makes it hard but i keep moving..that is my new life motto..KEEP MOVING!! i had this phenomenal revelation on a message i might want to preach one day..its sweet…one day meaning like years from now..when i am 30..well i feel good about 30..doesnt mean God does…..i feel like something is happening so major in my life that i just want God to do it already…gosh i am so impatient..i dont understand but i know its for the best no matter what…well im done..
::Direction:: May 4, 2009
Wow the days of the week go so fast in my life..i never know what i am doing tomorrow, and never know what i did yesterday..its been an odd week..my best friends birthday celebartions ((its like a holiday for our birthdays))..i have been arguing a lot with my family, mostly just my mom..things are getting crazier and crazier by the day..why do people always feel the need to control me? my whole life has been that way..i have no car and that is the first thing my parents can take away when i dont do as they please..its always been this way..then of course the threats of being kicked out..wow do i feel 16 again..really is this starting all over again? i dont get it.. i was forced to resign from my job..a job i was obsessed with..i loved everything about, except my boss..she hated me..just because everyone else didnt..needless to say it was a dramatic weekend..im sad about my job only cuz of the people i will miss and how much i put into that place..i know God’s hand is over my life when more than one thing goes wrong in a week..i am really excited to see what God has planned for me but nervous all at the same time..i am going to start planning a missions trip for next summer with the help of a new great friend..so many things are changing in my life, its really strange..but i am very happy with the path i am taking..it will lead me home..its really hard to be your friend after everything, you ask me if i can handle it, i can and i will but it will never be just that..i can never look at you the same way..someday still exsists in my heart..but not today does too..ha ha..i have so much to learn..im really excited i want to hurry and learn everything, i have no idea about patience…its never been part of my life until now..i cant believe how my life and heart have been transformed in the last 5 months..wow 5 months..i really want to travel the world and help people..im trying to see if maybe i can follow people around to see what i want to do…im thinking full time ministry but not really sure what that means..its just the first thing i think of..and traveling those few things have been on my heart forever…i have never been born for Ohio..im exotic..still praying about it all though..pray for me..i am really happy that people are involved in my life..i love meeting with a few choice ladies and chatting away about everything suprisingly i could get used to it….its great to hear wisdom from others in situations i cant deal with sometimes…..who knows..there wasnt a point to this blog i just wanted to say somethings i guess…..yeah for me!!!!! Thank you Jesus for everything you are doing in my life and where you are taking me next, where your hand leads my heart will follow, Amen….
::Dreams?:: April 22, 2009
my entire life people have asked me what do you want to do…what are your dreams, your ambitions..the truth is there are so many i have a hard time sorting out which are realistic and which could only be considered fantasy…i would love to own a coffee shop ((this is ridiculous i know))…i actually have blue prints for what i want it to look like, its interior and exterior design, a name and well obviously 5 years worth of coffee knowledge to get it started…i would love to be a marine biologist however i can tell you thats too much schooling for my life. so i will be just content in learning and studying them on my own….a ministry of some sort…photography is a high priority, i would love to have published photographs however the images i like are sometimes odd to other people…i paint, i dont think i am very good, but others seem to like some of my work…i love to write but i suck in english…travel and help people in countries that arent as well off as this one is….i want to be surrounded by people and help them in any way…i love serving homeless people…i would love to non profit or charity work for the rest of my life…there are so many things that i want to do i could sit here for hours and list off all the things…a mom is probably the most important of all of my dreams…..as of right now i dont have some life alterring dream that is going to change or transform into a career for the rest of my life…this is where i have a problem…i want to do a bajillion things but have no career in mind…i just want to be happy, show people my heart and what God has done and what God has to offer people…i love dogs and would love to work with animals….ohhhhhhh yea and i want to learn how to blow glass so i can make my own dishes… i wouldnt mind like a habitat for humanity thing….africa….my heart belongs there for at least a few weeks…brazil…..i dont know there is so much i want to do and accomplish….interior design, home staging…i cant narrow it down to one dream or one area of focus, my list of “things to do before i die” grows more and more and more everyday….so when you ask me i may get my dreams and career confused, however the answer to both is i dont really know…this probably doesnt make sense to anyone…its ok…my mind works in its own way….ha ha ha…my dream for this minute is to be dreaming…so sleepy…night 
::Simple:: April 18, 2009
Sin is a sin..no matter how you look at..no sin is good..its a sin..i have learned over the past few weeks some interesting things on this subject..JUST LOVE GOD..wow, doesnt that sound so simple..it is..Love God and Love People..isnt that truly what Christianity is about..i hate that i feel guilty about the things i do or mostly the things i have done..it put a complete mental block on my relationship with God, like i couldnt let go of the guilt and shame associated with my past..but why..God only wants to love me and show me how to love people as He did..why is that Christians everywhere come into a church looking for something different and leave to return to what they hate? why? if you are truly going to rid something in your life, give it to God then why go back? sure you can confess your sins with your tongue and even get it out of your heart and mind, but if you keep doing the same or having the same sin in your life isnt that when you need to look at what the true desires of your heart really are? if you dont want it ..get it out..dont keep doing the same things every week i feel its repetetive…the thing is, thats not what God wants..no matter what you struggle with…porn,pride,slicing and dicing,drinking,the reefer,sex,fear,insecurities,smoking….all of these things God took care of…why is it so hard for people to move on and realize that God only truly wants to Love you, why do these things always have a strong hold on our lives..cuz we let it…i am obviously not perfect, i will only write about my own convictions…why should sin set us back or put a hault in our relationship with Jesus? it doesnt have to be that way….just let it be…just be with Jesus..let him love you so that you can move on and show other people..why cant people let it be emotional for the good reasons, dont get stuck in that place where you cant worship and spend precious time with God, cuz your so worried about the sins that EVERY ONE struggles with…He knows the sin and He still loves you..all He wants is you..give Him just that..imperfections and all..people get so stuck in the mode that chrisitans have to be perfect..they arent..never will be…can we move on yet? no people do this all the time..its so frustrating to see and i have been there myself where in the time of worship your bot worshipping, your sobbing in your own sorrow of self pity for all you have done wrong..get over it..Worship God, that time needs not to be about you or me..Let it be about God..open your hearts and let Him see the things that He does love…why is our world sooooo negative..the worst part is, that sometimes guilt gets so bad that people will literally not even bother to learn the word of God, that guilt and shame alone put walls up so high that people dont even bother to open their Bible, its becoming an obsession at that point..really i have been here too…where it holds my heart in a stand still that i cant open my bible or worship God cuz of it..LET IT GO….He is our ROCK…still there no matter how bad the storm..the rock wont budge..whats really sad is that all these people are missing out on what God is really all about cuz as people we can be so pathetic to make the time we do share with God all about us..i love what this world has come to..and that last sentence was sarcasm…now i am angry so i need to pray for my salvation…..ha ha love yall
::FroZen:: April 17, 2009
i would like to blog everyday, however due to my anti commitment clause, this may not work for my life…but i will try..i learn so much everyday..moslty forced to learn more about myself everyday..ha ha..my life repeats itself over and over and over..the same situation, the same drama..new people different time..this time its different..i am trying to change things in my life for me..not cuz others want me to..i am so stubborn when it comes to conforming that i will refuse for now reason no matter what the issue or situation..i refuse to be normal, not that i know what that is..i have always stood out and decided that is the way i wish my life to be..something is different now..the passions that are returning to my heart..the bursts of inspirations..the tells of my dreams are all coming into play..i really feel like my heart might explode..i love to pray..o do i ever…people are quiet and reserved..not me..my God knows about how loud i love to get..i feel like God cant hear me unless i am loud, i dont know i am nuts..i have been putting my faith to the test..praying for things..very very specific things..i have had confirmation on all..yet i only acted on one..i have never heard the voice of God speak so loudly in my life..or maybe i have i just ignored it..i am good at that..ha ha..i have all these confirmations and revelations yet i still sit here in fear…God knows the desires of my heart, gives me words daily and i still do nothing..why i do this i have no clue..the things i want..He is giving them to me and i stand so still..like i cant move cuz He is giving me everything i want..why am i so dumb? why am i so scared, or what am i so scared of..its like i am going to burst with all the things inside my heart..all the things i want to do in my life..gosh if for one moment in time i could grow some frikin balls and just stop being a panzy..i am just frozen..my one true passion is to show people, everyone and everywhere all the things that God can do in their life..yet i cant tell anyone what He is doing in mine..I cant even step foward to use the gifts i have been given? why? cuz i run..i know this..anyone in my life knows thats my biggest fault..i run from everything..i am hard on myself about it to..but not this time..how can i run from God, when i know the specifics of what it is i am supposed to do..where am i supposed to go..there is no running this time..He will find me..which is why i am FROZEN..God works in such mysterious ways..it makes me laugh..God knows me to well..its actually frustrating..I love that he has placed certain people in my life for specific reasons..i have prayed about all of these new people, some i know what they will bring to encourage my life..some only few details yet enough to scare the pee pee out of me…so i cant run..not this time..my shoes are on and i am so ready but there is no point..i can fight everyone in the world..somehow or another i think God CAN tell me what to do……ha ha ha ha ha Jesus i love you….
::Transparent:: April 16, 2009
For those of you who do not know me, please allow me to show you..I am rather a loud & outgoing person..however there is so much more..i come from a really big family, i am the oldest of 7 and needless to say my life is far more dramatic then i owuld have ever wished upon anyone..my life has also been dramatic, at one point i really considered writing a book..if i didnt suck in regards to basic grammar this might be possible..i have had quite an experience the last few months of my life..i went back to a place that was so dark, a place i promised myself i would never go back to..in my moment of desperation and exhaustion i realized i needed something more..my life was not created for how i was living it..my dreams ((lost at that moment)) were far to big for what i was doing..i was talking to a friend today and realized a truth about my life ((this happens reguarly)) if you sat down all the different close friends that i have had you might begin to figure me out..not one person knows the same as the next..weird i know..this is just how i am..i have always said i was a different kind of friend..
to put it simply its all or nothing..i grew up in a world ((my very own)) in which i saw my friends daily, probably more so then my family..this is the life i am accustomed to & the life that brings me joy..i dont want it anyother way..
i have never been an insecure person until about 3 years ago..however i allowed myself to get there and i will come out of it alive and well..i am very confident and strong willed..if i want something i will let nothing come between that feeling..at least not anymore..sadly i gave up everything to give up everything once again..funny how life works out..i believe that everything happens for a reason..and for every reason there is something to be gained..
my view on relationships..oh boy..my mom did a PHENOMENAL job of raising me for 16 years without a male figure..how i still dont know..((there will be an entire blog for my mom she is that cool)) ..i am stubborn and will try my very hardest not to need you..i learned very young that a woman can stand on her own without a man..so if i dont ask you for help please understand i grew up in a world where that wasnt an option so i moved on and did whatever it was on my own..at this point i dont want to date anyone..maybe not ever..apparently i have learned i am terrified of commitment..my new philosophy is just let it be..so if your out there somewhere i will probably refuse to commit..i will however come around..
love is something i am learning about..here are somethings that have been on my heart.. i dont think that love should be easy, it wouldnt be true..but i dont think it should be something that is difficult or achieved..it should just be there..you should just know..its a friendship yet so much more..someone who might see me for me without me having to say much..i think it will just click, just be natural..i have list upon list of what i expect from a husband but why? if God , who knows me best has one chosen for me, will i argue…most likely yes..but not for long ..I want to be able to connect with this person in a way that i cant with anyone else..something so true and so pure..someone that in the midst of my drama and emotion can see that i am really very very simple..however i am terrified to fall in love so……….this is what i think it should be if i ever decided to let it happen..
everyone wants to know why i love Jesus again..so i will tell..most of my current friends grew up christian..ha..i was the opposite..i went to church and psr ((i skipped..sorry mommy)) i decided somewhere that my life was my own and did what i wanted to do whenever i wanted to do it..i am 24 and spent most of my days partying..non stop..i saw what the world had to offer and i lived that way for so long..i at some point realized there had to be more..and there was..i was a senior in school and had attended church for 2 years before i got saved..it changed my life drastically..the world i lived in was boring and routine..i found what i was looking for in God..so to all the people who were curious as to why i love the Lord..i lived the life your exploring now and there is nothing there..its dark and cold and at the end of night your lonely and desperate..its a place i trapped myself into and tried so hard to get out of..it took so long for me to be alive or human..i visited this place in January..i went on a binge..i felt it again..the hate that inevitably consumes your life..its not for me.. i am sorry..i have been called to far greater things in this life to look back and see who i was then..dont get me wrong it helped mold me for today, however i know the heartache and pain that comes with that life and those choices.. i said CHOICES..i chose not to live that..i want purpose and meaning and i have that now..its funny cuz i fear the desires of my heart, the passions i will one day tell someone of all the things i want to do..that i will do..i still dont know what i want to do when i grow up, but i know the things that are in my heart now..ohhhhhhhhhh do i feel a break through…God is about to flip my world upside down..i can feel it…im soooo nervous..at the end of the day and all through out I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!
