For those of you who do not know me, please allow me to show you..I am rather a loud & outgoing person..however there is so much more..i come from a really big family, i am the oldest of 7 and needless to say my life is far more dramatic then i owuld have ever wished upon anyone..my life has also been dramatic, at one point i really considered writing a book..if i didnt suck in regards to basic grammar this might be possible..i have had quite an experience the last few months of my life..i went back to a place that was so dark, a place i promised myself i would never go back to..in my moment of desperation and exhaustion i realized i needed something more..my life was not created for how i was living it..my dreams ((lost at that moment)) were far to big for what i was doing..i was talking to a friend today and realized a truth about my life ((this happens reguarly)) if you sat down all the different close friends that i have had you might begin to figure me out..not one person knows the same as the next..weird i know..this is just how i am..i have always said i was a different kind of friend..
to put it simply its all or nothing..i grew up in a world ((my very own)) in which i saw my friends daily, probably more so then my family..this is the life i am accustomed to & the life that brings me joy..i dont want it anyother way..
i have never been an insecure person until about 3 years ago..however i allowed myself to get there and i will come out of it alive and well..i am very confident and strong willed..if i want something i will let nothing come between that feeling..at least not anymore..sadly i gave up everything to give up everything once again..funny how life works out..i believe that everything happens for a reason..and for every reason there is something to be gained..
my view on relationships..oh boy..my mom did a PHENOMENAL job of raising me for 16 years without a male figure..how i still dont know..((there will be an entire blog for my mom she is that cool)) ..i am stubborn and will try my very hardest not to need you..i learned very young that a woman can stand on her own without a man..so if i dont ask you for help please understand i grew up in a world where that wasnt an option so i moved on and did whatever it was on my own..at this point i dont want to date anyone..maybe not ever..apparently i have learned i am terrified of commitment..my new philosophy is just let it be..so if your out there somewhere i will probably refuse to commit..i will however come around..
love is something i am learning about..here are somethings that have been on my heart.. i dont think that love should be easy, it wouldnt be true..but i dont think it should be something that is difficult or achieved..it should just be there..you should just know..its a friendship yet so much more..someone who might see me for me without me having to say much..i think it will just click, just be natural..i have list upon list of what i expect from a husband but why? if God , who knows me best has one chosen for me, will i argue…most likely yes..but not for long ..I want to be able to connect with this person in a way that i cant with anyone else..something so true and so pure..someone that in the midst of my drama and emotion can see that i am really very very simple..however i am terrified to fall in love so……….this is what i think it should be if i ever decided to let it happen..
everyone wants to know why i love Jesus again..so i will tell..most of my current friends grew up christian..ha..i was the opposite..i went to church and psr ((i skipped..sorry mommy)) i decided somewhere that my life was my own and did what i wanted to do whenever i wanted to do it..i am 24 and spent most of my days partying..non stop..i saw what the world had to offer and i lived that way for so long..i at some point realized there had to be more..and there was..i was a senior in school and had attended church for 2 years before i got saved..it changed my life drastically..the world i lived in was boring and routine..i found what i was looking for in God..so to all the people who were curious as to why i love the Lord..i lived the life your exploring now and there is nothing there..its dark and cold and at the end of night your lonely and desperate..its a place i trapped myself into and tried so hard to get out of..it took so long for me to be alive or human..i visited this place in January..i went on a binge..i felt it again..the hate that inevitably consumes your life..its not for me.. i am sorry..i have been called to far greater things in this life to look back and see who i was then..dont get me wrong it helped mold me for today, however i know the heartache and pain that comes with that life and those choices.. i said CHOICES..i chose not to live that..i want purpose and meaning and i have that now..its funny cuz i fear the desires of my heart, the passions i will one day tell someone of all the things i want to do..that i will do..i still dont know what i want to do when i grow up, but i know the things that are in my heart now..ohhhhhhhhhh do i feel a break through…God is about to flip my world upside down..i can feel it…im soooo nervous..at the end of the day and all through out I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!
